I have a lot on my mind. I am taking my life one day at a time. I am attempting to balance my social life in a way that is healthy for me. I am powering through dealing with disappointing folks, which is very difficult for me. I am realizing that things that are normal for folks have become intense panic triggers. I step aside and I look at myself and wonder "where is all of this coming from?" I used to be gung-ho and ready into plunge new projects all the time, and take risks to embrace awesome new experiences. Nowadays I seem very risk averse, and it just doesn't feel right.
In many cases in the past I have been handed a raw deal after plunging 100% of my heart into something. Many times, through no direct fault of my own, I have crashed and burned. Putting your full heart into something is simply not enough. You have to do the work, be present, and be willing to truly risk it all to succeed. But I have done this so many times and failed that I am becoming too scared to even try anymore.
I also sometimes feel trapped by my own successes. I have tons of creative ideas and fun hobbies I am passionate about. However if I do well, and get people invested in me, I feel obligated to continue and be the best I can because if I don't the people around me will be disappointed and perhaps even grow to resent me for taking away something that brought them so much happiness.
Everyday it feels like I am just surviving.
But I want to THRIVE, and FEEL it.
There is so much more self-work to do, but I am so very tired.
I wish I had more time and energy. With more time and energy I can:
Write more poems and truly memorize them so I can perform at bardic events in a way the *truly* captivates people.
Write and perform and share my poetry with the local writing community in San Diego, and make the connections I need to get published one day
Perfect my sewing skills so I can make my own cool SCA garb.
Work out three times a week, and be able to concentrate on a good eating plan to get fit and loose weight.
Take a driving school and study the California Driver manual so I can finally learn to drive.
Take my last 4 classes to get my Associates Degree in Sociology.
Work out the paperwork and phone calls I need to make in order to get myself into therapy via my MediCal.
"Kondo" my Living Space again.
Fully detail my D&D setting and write amazing stories for my players.
Start an awesome geeky Podcast that is TTRPG related, with enough of a following I can setup a Patreon and be able to write gaming content and make some income from my art.
Organize more SCA Events and get more actively involved so I can improve my Barony and my kingdom for the better.
Have a better relationship with mom and my immediate family where I call them weekly and they are kept up to date on my life.
Rejoin the Muscoavy Company Guild at Faire and have fun at Esco Faire being a Russian Mercenary.
Take Jon my boyfriend out on a date at least twice a week and get to spend the night together multiple times a month like we used to when we first started dating.
Right now I dream of being able to do all of this, but it just seems so impossible. I am going into my 40's a complete failure.
I did not mean to end this on such a sour note. I am just struggling in my own mind. Tomorrow will be better I am sure. However tonight, tonight is just hard.
What a Doll!
4 weeks ago
