How awesome is this pic crew

This a picture of Oren Koto. A Night Caste Solar in a campaign I am about to run called Mist, Jade, and Bamboo about Solar Exalted on the Blessed Isle.

Late Night Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind. I am taking my life one day at a time. I am attempting to balance my social life in a way that is healthy for me. I am powering through dealing with disappointing folks, which is very difficult for me. I am realizing that things that are normal for folks have become intense panic triggers. I step aside and I look at myself and wonder "where is all of this coming from?" I used to be gung-ho and ready into plunge new projects all the time, and take risks to embrace awesome new experiences. Nowadays I seem very risk averse, and it just doesn't feel right.

In many cases in the past I have been handed a raw deal after plunging 100% of my heart into something. Many times, through no direct fault of my own, I have crashed and burned. Putting your full heart into something is simply not enough. You have to do the work, be present, and be willing to truly risk it all to succeed. But I have done this so many times and failed that I am becoming too scared to even try anymore.

I also sometimes feel trapped by my own successes. I have tons of creative ideas and fun hobbies I am passionate about. However if I do well, and get people invested in me, I feel obligated to continue and be the best I can because if I don't the people around me will be disappointed and perhaps even grow to resent me for taking away something that brought them so much happiness.

Everyday it feels like I am just surviving.

But I want to THRIVE, and FEEL it.

There is so much more self-work to do, but I am so very tired.

I wish I had more time and energy. With more time and energy I can:

Write more poems and truly memorize them so I can perform at bardic events in a way the *truly* captivates people.

Write and perform and share my poetry with the local writing community in San Diego, and make the connections I need to get published one day

Perfect my sewing skills so I can make my own cool SCA garb.

Work out three times a week, and be able to concentrate on a good eating plan to get fit and loose weight.

Take a driving school and study the California Driver manual so I can finally learn to drive.

Take my last 4 classes to get my Associates Degree in Sociology.

Work out the paperwork and phone calls I need to make in order to get myself into therapy via my MediCal.

"Kondo" my Living Space again.

Fully detail my D&D setting and write amazing stories for my players.

Start an awesome geeky Podcast that is TTRPG related, with enough of a following I can setup a Patreon and be able to write gaming content and make some income from my art.

Organize more SCA Events and get more actively involved so I can improve my Barony and my kingdom for the better.

Have a better relationship with mom and my immediate family where I call them weekly and they are kept up to date on my life.

Rejoin the Muscoavy Company Guild at Faire and have fun at Esco Faire being a Russian Mercenary.

Take Jon my boyfriend out on a date at least twice a week and get to spend the night together multiple times a month like we used to when we first started dating.

Right now I dream of being able to do all of this, but it just seems so impossible. I am going into my 40's a complete failure.

I did not mean to end this on such a sour note. I am just struggling in my own mind. Tomorrow will be better I am sure. However tonight, tonight is just hard.

30 Days of Poems: In Memoriam

Someone I deeply admired and respected passed beyond the Rainbow Bridge to feast in the Hall of Ancestors eternally today.

I wrote this piece in tribute to them, during their final days in this realm.

The Yellow Hood

Wrought by hands strong, yet gentle

A mother's hands

A crafts woman's hands

Hands of one who would be queen.

A hood composed of linen

saffron and bold.

Regal in its simplicity.

Warm in chilling winter

Cool in blazing desert.

Hand stitched with evergreen thread

sent far and wide to fingers she chose to trust.

Guided by wisdom deep as a mountain well.

Adorned first upon the shoulders of Knights, Lords, and Gentles

standing guard upon the Vigil of truest love.

It travels now, in many places in this Known World.

Feasts, Coronations, Tourneys, Festivals

and everything in between.

A badge of honor

A testament of virtue

A pure and eternal manifestation of the Dream she shared with all.

All sewn together

with utmost care

a linen yellow hood.

30 Days of Poems: Secret

There is something going down in my life that moved me to write this poem. Its about something that happened a long time ago that recent events have reminded me of. So I wrote it down. I may revised it later but I feel the need to get it out there.

Secret

I have friend whom I call brother once confessed to me a terrible secret,

that he was once apart of a tribe who hunt and kill my people in the name of the king.

He showed me that terrifying banner, scarlet, sable, and argent

danced across my eyes and chilled me to the bone.

He kept it hidden in a dark chest, a shameful reminder of what he once was,

a bloodied, wicked threat to my life.

He ran his fingers along my rose cap,

his eyes full of regret.

I thought for a moment of all who came before me,

all who passed to the grave.

Covered in red, darkening their caps, all at the whim of a King.

Perhaps it was the look in his eyes.

That I held no value for myself, perhaps it was a sign?

Perhaps I had come upon a moment of grace.

For it was forgiveness I gave him that night.

Not a fleeting pass to keep the peace.

Nor a flagrant lie.

Upon my word I pledged forgiveness, upon a mid-winter sky.

Exalted Third Edition: The Fellowship of the Rose

No poems today.

However, I would like to share a bit of writing I did for the Annual Exalted Forum White Elephant Exchange. Wise Old Guru, Artist and Writer behind the amazing Exalted Web Comic God-Kicking Boot was who I drew as my recipient. I was incredibly nervous because I am such a huge fan of their work. Yet I powered through. Wise Old Guru requested some content he could use for his House of Bells set Dragon-blooded boarding school drama. So I decided to build an homage to one of my favorite boarding school-fantasy anime, Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Fellowship of the Rose

The Fellowship of the Rose is a covert society of students dedicated to the principles of the honorable duel. Only the most elite, and prestigious of students at the House of Bells are permitted to pledge to join its ranks. Those who are accepted into the Fellowship become apart of a lifelong social network that crosses the boundaries of House, Aspect, and Class that spans the entirety of the Scarlet Empire.

Leadership of the fellowship is known as The Rose Council, the highest ranked and most esteemed duelists among them. In order to have seat on the Council one must be a currently enrolled student in the House of Bells, a fully initiated member of the Fellowship in good standing, and possess record of no less than three honorable victories in the sacred Rose Duel.

Members and Alumni signal to one another membership by wearing a small green jade & gold rose pin on their person.

The Rose Duel

This is a special duel that is practiced only by members of the Fellowship, and it is considered to the epitome of honor to participate in. Both parties involved fight unarmored, with a single blade, and with a freshly plucked rose pinned to the lapel of their uniform jacket. The object of the duel is to cut the blossom off one's opponents lapel first. The duel is not over until one of the participant's rose has been cut off.

New Gambit:
Strike the Rose (Difficulty 7)

Upon success of this Gambit, a small object is removed cleanly of an opponent's lapel using a single strike from a bladed weapon. If the item is of a delicate a nature, such as a glass brooch or flower blossom, the object is destroyed.

The Rose Consort

Winners of the Rose Duel may claim the prize of The Rose Consort. The Rose Consort is always a student whom is among the rare and exceptional Dynasts whom have not taken the Second Breath that were accepted into the Academy. The Rose Consort serves as both a personal retainer and consort to social events. A potent sorcerous working binds The Rose Consort to both secrecy and loyalty to current Rose Champion. In exchange, the Consort has the entirety of their tuition compensated, and garners the opportunity for a marriage match to an Exalted after graduation via the vast social network of the Fellowship.

30 Days of Poems: Love Reflections

So I ran out of a bit of creative steam. I started working on a new Exalted Third Edition game and my creative energy got sucked up writing things up for my setting and plot. So I took a bit of a break from writing new poems.

However, I am back and I have written some new material. I am calling this piece "Love Reflections" each is a stanza about a past or current love. They are functionally all opening stanzas for poems dedicated to each one, but I am grouping them all into one piece. This is the beginning of what I hope will be a much larger work in the future:

Love Reflections

I once loved a solider

who's hair was the color of fire.

I once loved a tree feller

with hair all over his body

like a bear's pelt.

I am courting a viking

with hair spun of gold

in the sun.

30 Days of Poetry: Haiku Time

Okay so today I slept in until noon and relaxed. I have work later this evening, so I decided today I would write something short.

So today I tackled the ancient Japanese poetry form of Haiku. I managed, without trying, to get to under 17 syllables, of which I am very proud:


falling blossoms
eternal promise
on a single droplet of dew